The Natives (Gangs of New York 2002)
Who Are They: The Natives are group of patriots dedicated to the cause of beating down the immigrant population, and while this is a noble cause, the immigrants themselves don't agree with the policy. The Natives belief in their righteousness is the most powerful tool at their disposal and their numbers help keep smaller gangs in check.
Notable Quote: "At my challenge, by the ancient laws of combat, we are met at this chosen ground, to settle for good and all who holds sway over the five points: us natives, born rightwise to this fine land, or the foreign hordes defiling it. "
Leadership: 10/10 -- Bill "The Butcher" Cutting -- Bill Cutting is not a man to be fucked with. He climbed his way to the top of New York's criminal underworld through toughness and sheer force of will and now leads the biggest, toughest gang in the whole city. He carves through foes while dual-wielding his trademark butcher knives and shows no mercy to his enemies. He is charismatic and intelligent, but doesn't hesitate to cut up a whore if the situation calls for it. A true class act and an All-American hero.
Chief Rival: 8/10 -- The Dead Rabbits -- The Dead Rabbits are mostly comprised of Irish immigrants, many of them fresh off the boat. They come here to eat the fruit of America and shit the seeds into her streets. As a fighting force they have the numbers to match The Natives, but in spirit they have no answer to old-fashioned American bigotry, which is why they are crushed under American boot heels...oh wait, they win in the end. What the fuck kind of movie is this?
Trademark: 8/10 -- The Native trademark is a sexy blue sash, worn in varying places on the body. Some members also choose to go with funny hats or hilarious facial hair to further distinguish how badass they are. It only takes one scene of The Butcher knifing his way through a crowd to convince me that fucking with a man crazy enough to wear a blue sash, top hat, and handlebar moustache is a terrible idea.
Fighting Style: 8/10 -- The fighting style of The Natives can only be described as "haphazard." In fact, I would guess that none of the members actually have any formal martial arts training, which is unfortunate. You see, I believe that the addition of a few split-kicks or even a roundhouse kick would have turned the tide in the final battle against The Dead Rabbits. It is their folly that The Natives never bothered to learn any fighting moves beyond "punch, kick, and stab."
Overall Toughness: 9.5/10 -- What The Natives lack in formal training they more than make up for with sheer balls-out craziness, and anyone can tell you that a crazy person feels no pain. And not only are they crazy, they're fucking nuts as well! These are the types of men who will rip an eyeball out for staring at them, the types who don't need to be in the middle of sex to fishhook a bitch from behind. Their hatred of foreigners fuels their insane fire and drives them to do things that make normal men squirt feces.
The Greasers (The Outsiders 1983)
Who Are They: The Greasers are a group of sexy young Brat-Packers from the wrong side of the tracks. They live a free-wheeling lifestyle with no plans beyond making it to their next hair appointment. They tend to mind their own business, just don't step on their fucking turf man!
Notable Quote: "Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold."
Leadership: 8/10 -- Darry -- Darry is played by Patrick Swayze, who played a badass in movies like Roadhouse and Point Break, so while he doesn't kick a ton of ass in this movie, the audience understands that the potential for a roundhouse kick is always lurking just beneath the surface.
Chief Rival: 4/10 -- The Socials, or "Socs", are a bunch of pretty boy preppies who like to flaunt their wealth in the faces of The Greasers. The Socials are a serious group of pussies, but using their superior intellect and breeding, they manage, on several occasions, to catch Greasers when they are outnumbered and ripe for the fucking.
Trademark: 7.5/10 -- Jean jackets, Bic combs, and hair that's had a quart of 30 weight motor oil massaged into it. These guys were the hardest motherfuckers you'd find down at the soda fountain in 1965.
Fighting Style: 7.5/10 -- The Greasers prefer chains and switchblades, but will resort to bare-knuckles if they have to. Their style is basic school yard punching and kicking, the type of fighting you would expect to see on any elementary playground. What I don't understand is this: here is a gang with both Swayze and Machio, two of the worlds foremost karate masters, and yet there isn't a lick of karate in the whole god-damned movie! What a waste of talent!
Overall Toughness: 7/10 -- The Greasers may have run Tulsa, but they wouldn't stand a chance in a bigger city. They're no wimps, and they do show an admirable willingness to cut a motherfucker, but they've been paired up with a comically weak foe, causing their own skills to suffer. I did give them an extra point for having a member named "Ponyboy", because let's face it, if you're in a tough street gang and your nickname is "Ponyboy" then you might just be the hardest fucking gangster walking the streets.
The Foot Clan (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie 1990)
Who are They: The Foot Clan is a group of teenage thieves who roam the streets of New York City in search of any valuables they can get their hands on. They use their ninja skills to cart off warehouses full of goods right under the owners nose. They use these goods to build themselves the fucking awesomest hide-out the world has ever seen. If The Foot had two tenets to live by they would be "steal shit" and "make kids want to join our ninja criminal gang".
Notable Quote: "You are here because the outside world rejects you. THIS is your family. *I* am your father. I want you all to become full members of the Foot. There is a new enemy: freaks of nature who interfere with our business. You are my eyes and ears; find them. Together we will punish these creatures. These... turtles."
Leadership: 9.5/10 -- Shredder -- I've already detailed Shredder in a separate post, so I'll just sum up: He is a ninja master and he wears a metal suit covered in blades. How fucking badass is that? (Hint: The correct answer is "very".)
Chief Rival: 9/10 -- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles -- The Ninja Turtles were a foursome of giant turtles known for their love of kicking ass, eating pizza, and being Fucking Radical Dude! Despite showing no visible signs of genitalia the Turtles were chock full of balls. Anyone willing to take on not only Shredder, but his gang of henchmen as well, is a worthy foe in my book.
Trademark: 8.5/10 -- The Foot Clan outfit consists of purple or black ninja pajamas, complete with a bug-eyed hood to cover their delinquent faces. Underneath those masks lie the hearts of killers...and sometimes a weak ginger kid named Danny who loves his daddy.
Fighting Style: 9.7/10 -- The Foot are not only tough, but wise as well. You can tell by their choice of fighting style: Fucking Karate. Really, think about it. You come up against a group of mutated turtles, what do you do? You sure as fuck don't want to box with them, and wrestling a giant turtle is not only insane, it just might be gay. No, if/when you meet a group of mutated turtles you're going to want to karate them. Just karate the shit out of their asses. Trust me.
Overall Toughness: 5/10 -- The Foot Clan was a giant gang overflowing with black-belts, so why couldn't they murder four turtles? The answer, my friends, is a touch of pussiness. Master Shredder would gladly tear the Turtles apart in an orgy of blood. The Foot however, they're just a bunch of kids, lacking the true murderers rage needed to defeat a scientific abomination like the Turtles. You can see this in the fight scenes, as Foot soldiers surround the Turtles, instead of attacking they hang back, patiently waiting their turn to step up and get knocked out. True killers would just watch for an opening to split a Turtle skull open using a katana.....yeah they definitely should have put that in the movie.
The Cobra Kai (The Karate Kid 1984)
Who are They: The Cobra Kai is the worlds most elite karate school. Many of the worlds greatest fighters have come through the Cobra Kai dojo, including two-time All-Valley Karate Tournament champion, John Lawrence. They are best known for championing the noble causes of "beating up nerds", as well as "dressing like skeletons" and "riding dirt bikes". In other words, The Cobra Kai manages to hit the extremely rare "Holy Trinity of Awesomeness".
Notable Quote: "We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the streets, in competition: A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy."
Leadership: 8/10 -- John Kreese -- Let me clear on one thing here: John Kreese is a bad motherfucker. He's an ex Special Forces operative and a Vietnam vet, not to mention his elite karate skills. He asks for no mercy and you can bet your ass that he will grant you none. So why only an 8/10? Well it would have been a 10, based off of The Karate Kid alone he is most definitely a 10. However, anyone worth their salt knows that at the beginning of The Karate Kid II Kreese gets his ass kicked by a 65 year old, five foot tall oriental man named Mr. Miyagi. And again, in The Karate Kid III, not only does Miyagi kick his ass, but he also kicks his buddies ass too for good measure. So you can see, getting your ass kicked twice by an old Jap will get two points dropped off your score every day of the week.
Chief Rival: 0/10 -- Ok, here is where the Cobra Kai loses a lot of steam. As far as rivals go, you'd be hard-pressed to find me a weaker pairing than LaRusso/Miyagi. The fact that these two manage to take down the entire Cobra Kai is a cinematic tragedy. When watching The Karate Kid I suggest you make up your own alternate ending, preferably one where Daniel gets knocked out in the first round and we get to see a montage of Johnny buzz-sawing his way through the tournament while "You're the Best Around" plays in the background. And then the music keeps playing as we transition into the tender love-making scene...
Trademark: 9/10 -- The Cobra Kai's sick black and yellow jumpsuits shame every other outfit at the All-Valley Karate Tournament. They are specifically tailored to open up a little in the front so everyone can see how well defined the chests are over at the Cobra Kai dojo. Aside from the karate outfits, there is also the afore-mentioned skeleton costumes. Fuck. Yes. Skeletons. In fact, I love the skeleton get ups so much I think they should have just worn those to the tournament, and some day, when I make my 10 billion dollar re-make of The Karate Kid, they will.
Fighting Style: 10/10 -- 80's Karate! 80's karate is just the fucking best. Just check out all those roundhouse kicks, spinning heel kicks, and spinning back-fists. It's a well known fact that if you threw a spinning heel kick anytime between 1980 and 1989 you were guaranteed to knock out your opponent with a fucking tubular slow-motion display of karate mastery. Unfortunately the 80's are gone, and the best advice I can give you is to never attempt a kick of any kind in a fight. Unless you have a time machine or you like getting your ass kicked. Either way, you know, just sort of try and have fun with it.
Overall Toughness: 6/10 -- It hurts me so bad to put a 6 in this category, but I don't see where I have much choice. I'm a Doctor of Culture and the oath I took long ago bound me to the rules of Culturology. The Cobra Kai is awesome as all hell, but they also get ran through by Danny LaRusso. I can't ignore that fact, as much as I'd like to. Take out Danny and make the Cobra Kai the stars of the film and it will be a 10 all day. Maybe make a movie where they roll joints in the school bathroom, then ride dirt bikes, then beat up a nerd...fuck I don't know I'm not a screenwriter.
The Warriors (The Warriors 1979)
Who are They: The Warriors are a New York City street gang. Known for being the most sane of all NYC gangs, The Warriors dare to push the envelope by not succumbing to peer pressure to dress up like baseball players or wear rollerskates. They prove the righteousness of their cause as they stomp their way through every gang in the city on the way back to their home turf.
Notable Quote: "I'll shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle."
Leadership: 9/10 -- Swan -- Swan is surprisingly gentle name for a badass motherfucker. Don't let it fool you, if it wasn't for the leadership of Swan The Warriors would never have made it through the night alive. Swan can hold his own in a fight, but more importantly, he keeps a cool head under pressure. Not to mention he is a prime example of 70's pimpness. One look at him and you can tell instantly what decade he's in, motherfucker owned that look, and no one will ever look like that again.
Chief Rival: 8/10 -- The Rogues -- The Rogues are another NYC street gang who seeks to challenge The Warriors right to dress normally. Their leader, Luthor, is a slimeball cocksucker who puts a frame-job on The Warriors for the killing of Cyrus. Because of him The Warriors must face off against the craziness of The Baseball Furies, The Hi-Hats, The Lizzies, The Punks, and every other gang in New York who happens to have some spare Halloween costumes lying around.
Trademark: 8/10 -- The Warriors rock a vintage sleeveless red leather vest and 70's haircuts. The sleeveless design allows for ample flexibility when throwing Hollywood-style haymakers, which is always a plus. The 70's hair just looks awesome, and that's really the only purpose it needs to exist.
Fighting Style: 7/10 -- The Warriors use a brawling style of fighting, utilizing every weapon at hand. You can spot some karate, but I suspect the characters picked it up watching tv, and actually lack any formal training. Like most old-school gangs The Warriors prefer their violence up close and personal, knives and bat style fighting. The type of fighting where you're close enough to grab your opponents cock and yank on it real good. Man fighting.
Overall Toughness: 9.7/10 -- The Warriors prove over and over again that they are not to be fucked with. They kick the shit out of one gang after another, and still continue on their journey. It would have been easy for the gang to just take off their colors and sneak back home. But no; with every gang in the city hunting them they still proudly display their vests as a rousing "Fuck You" to every foolish gangster who wants to come get some. The Warriors know they are too badass to be stopped, no matter how many circus clowns you throw at them. I did take off .3 of a point for a couple times they were forced to run, although really I'd rather just forget that shit and focus on what a magnum-opus of badassery we're dealing with here. Watch the movie if you haven't already. If you're a male, your first viewing of "The Warriors" will cause a brand new patch of hair to sprout on your chest and ass area, as well as adding a full inch to your penis and 4 ounces to your nutsack weight. If you're a woman.....well it does pretty much the same thing so consider this a warning.
Conclusion: Holy shit I had fun writing this! I wish I had more time to elaborate on some points, but I already had to cut out about 5 paragraphs worth of stuff just to keep things moving. So many subjects so little time...Feel free to drop me a line in the comments section and tell me how much you love me or how badly I fucked up! And as always, follow, share, and spread the love!
Chief Rival: 0/10 -- Ok, here is where the Cobra Kai loses a lot of steam. As far as rivals go, you'd be hard-pressed to find me a weaker pairing than LaRusso/Miyagi. The fact that these two manage to take down the entire Cobra Kai is a cinematic tragedy. When watching The Karate Kid I suggest you make up your own alternate ending, preferably one where Daniel gets knocked out in the first round and we get to see a montage of Johnny buzz-sawing his way through the tournament while "You're the Best Around" plays in the background. And then the music keeps playing as we transition into the tender love-making scene...
Trademark: 9/10 -- The Cobra Kai's sick black and yellow jumpsuits shame every other outfit at the All-Valley Karate Tournament. They are specifically tailored to open up a little in the front so everyone can see how well defined the chests are over at the Cobra Kai dojo. Aside from the karate outfits, there is also the afore-mentioned skeleton costumes. Fuck. Yes. Skeletons. In fact, I love the skeleton get ups so much I think they should have just worn those to the tournament, and some day, when I make my 10 billion dollar re-make of The Karate Kid, they will.
Fighting Style: 10/10 -- 80's Karate! 80's karate is just the fucking best. Just check out all those roundhouse kicks, spinning heel kicks, and spinning back-fists. It's a well known fact that if you threw a spinning heel kick anytime between 1980 and 1989 you were guaranteed to knock out your opponent with a fucking tubular slow-motion display of karate mastery. Unfortunately the 80's are gone, and the best advice I can give you is to never attempt a kick of any kind in a fight. Unless you have a time machine or you like getting your ass kicked. Either way, you know, just sort of try and have fun with it.
Overall Toughness: 6/10 -- It hurts me so bad to put a 6 in this category, but I don't see where I have much choice. I'm a Doctor of Culture and the oath I took long ago bound me to the rules of Culturology. The Cobra Kai is awesome as all hell, but they also get ran through by Danny LaRusso. I can't ignore that fact, as much as I'd like to. Take out Danny and make the Cobra Kai the stars of the film and it will be a 10 all day. Maybe make a movie where they roll joints in the school bathroom, then ride dirt bikes, then beat up a nerd...fuck I don't know I'm not a screenwriter.
The Warriors (The Warriors 1979)
Who are They: The Warriors are a New York City street gang. Known for being the most sane of all NYC gangs, The Warriors dare to push the envelope by not succumbing to peer pressure to dress up like baseball players or wear rollerskates. They prove the righteousness of their cause as they stomp their way through every gang in the city on the way back to their home turf.
Notable Quote: "I'll shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle."
Leadership: 9/10 -- Swan -- Swan is surprisingly gentle name for a badass motherfucker. Don't let it fool you, if it wasn't for the leadership of Swan The Warriors would never have made it through the night alive. Swan can hold his own in a fight, but more importantly, he keeps a cool head under pressure. Not to mention he is a prime example of 70's pimpness. One look at him and you can tell instantly what decade he's in, motherfucker owned that look, and no one will ever look like that again.
Chief Rival: 8/10 -- The Rogues -- The Rogues are another NYC street gang who seeks to challenge The Warriors right to dress normally. Their leader, Luthor, is a slimeball cocksucker who puts a frame-job on The Warriors for the killing of Cyrus. Because of him The Warriors must face off against the craziness of The Baseball Furies, The Hi-Hats, The Lizzies, The Punks, and every other gang in New York who happens to have some spare Halloween costumes lying around.
Trademark: 8/10 -- The Warriors rock a vintage sleeveless red leather vest and 70's haircuts. The sleeveless design allows for ample flexibility when throwing Hollywood-style haymakers, which is always a plus. The 70's hair just looks awesome, and that's really the only purpose it needs to exist.
Fighting Style: 7/10 -- The Warriors use a brawling style of fighting, utilizing every weapon at hand. You can spot some karate, but I suspect the characters picked it up watching tv, and actually lack any formal training. Like most old-school gangs The Warriors prefer their violence up close and personal, knives and bat style fighting. The type of fighting where you're close enough to grab your opponents cock and yank on it real good. Man fighting.
Overall Toughness: 9.7/10 -- The Warriors prove over and over again that they are not to be fucked with. They kick the shit out of one gang after another, and still continue on their journey. It would have been easy for the gang to just take off their colors and sneak back home. But no; with every gang in the city hunting them they still proudly display their vests as a rousing "Fuck You" to every foolish gangster who wants to come get some. The Warriors know they are too badass to be stopped, no matter how many circus clowns you throw at them. I did take off .3 of a point for a couple times they were forced to run, although really I'd rather just forget that shit and focus on what a magnum-opus of badassery we're dealing with here. Watch the movie if you haven't already. If you're a male, your first viewing of "The Warriors" will cause a brand new patch of hair to sprout on your chest and ass area, as well as adding a full inch to your penis and 4 ounces to your nutsack weight. If you're a woman.....well it does pretty much the same thing so consider this a warning.
Conclusion: Holy shit I had fun writing this! I wish I had more time to elaborate on some points, but I already had to cut out about 5 paragraphs worth of stuff just to keep things moving. So many subjects so little time...Feel free to drop me a line in the comments section and tell me how much you love me or how badly I fucked up! And as always, follow, share, and spread the love!
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