7 Villains Who Didn't Deserve to Lose

      Throughout the history of television and movies there have been dozens of iconic villains. Most of them play opposite a worthy opponent, some however, get stuck losing the final battle to a wimp, nerd, midget, or in rare cases, teddy bears. It's so unfair how Hollywood forces these badasses to play second fiddle to some uppity, judgemental do-gooder. I'm going to set the record straight right now and give these villains their just-do. For this story I'll be going over some categories such as: in real life how hard would the hero shit his pants, how badass in general the villain is, and how believable the movie outcome is. I'll also be dropping some pertinent facts as well as making a general listing of hero/villain strengths.


      #7. Biff Tannen (Back to the Future)

      Why He's on the List: Biff Tannen was the quintessential bully; he was big, tough, and a mean son of a bitch for no good reason. He was also an attempted rapist, which makes him way more hardcore than most PG movie villains, and also proves his range as a villain. I mean, for most of the movie he's your stereotypicle bully, the type who would give a nerd a wedgie, swirlie, noogie, or indian burn- pretty harmless stuff really. But then, just when you thought you knew him, he goes and attempts a rape. Damn Biff. Damn.

      The Hero: George/Marty McFly -- George McFly is the limpest of limp noodles as well as a peeping tom pervert. Marty is much cooler, but he's only 5 feet tall and wouldn't stand a real life chance against the beast that is Biff Tannen. 

      Pants Shitting Factor: 8/10 -- Check out the picture below and you can see actor Crispin Glover is literally shitting in his pants on camera.

Here is an image of the highly technical MMA maneuver known as the arm-hold thingy.

      

      The Showdown: It's the night of the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and Marty McFly is putting his plan in motion to get his parents together when Biff shows up drunk and ready to kick some ass. After he and his crew beat down Marty and lock him in a trunk, Biff decides he's going to take some ass from Lorraine whether she likes it or not. Just as Biff's cock starts to get hard George shows up to play the hero, ordering Biff to "get his damn hands off her." Biff does the logical thing and throws George into a weird sort of arm-lock maneuver, but while he's laughing George throws a haymaker and knocks our her- err villain out cold. 

      Shit Gets Real: All right people, here's the hard truth; in real life Lorraine gets raped, because in real life man mountains like Biff Tannen take what they want when they want it, so once he lays into you, best to just close your eyes and let him finish. Also George and Marty both get their asses kicked, and a George McFly punch is about as likely to knock someone out as throwing a hand-full of daisies at them. 

      Believability: 5/10      

      #6. Dark Heart (Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation)

      Why He's on the List: Dark Heart is a magical shape-shifter, able to take the forms of a serpent, crocodile, human, and a kick-ass giant red tornado. He also has the power to grant wishes and has no understanding of the concept of love. You'd think someone with those powers would have little trouble mowing through a group of cuddly teddy bears right? Right?

      The Hero: The Care Bears -- All right, just to be clear, the Care Bears lone offensive power is shooting beams of loving, sparkly light from their cute little tummies...how...dangerous?

      Pants Shitting Factor: 3/10 -- Ok, 3/10 is barely even a squirt in the britches, but considering the Care Bears are a -25/10 I think Dark Heart is more than a match.

      The Showdown- After Dark Hearts uses magic to imprison a bunch of Care Bears in crystals our heroes go to to his lair to kick some ass. Their tummy beams prove to be as innefective as you would imagine and it takes a little girl named Christie shooting a marble at the crystals to free the trapped bears. During the fight Dark Heart strikes Christie with a bolt of lightening, killing her. Afterwords he is sad and remorseful for his actions, begging the Care Bears to help him bring her back to life. By chanting "We Care" and letting the love flow they are able to re-animate Christies lifeless corpse, Dark Heart becomes a real boy and promises to be good from now on.

      Shit Gets Real: In real life Dark Heart easily succeeds in his insane plot to trap Care Bears in crystals, what he does with these crystalized Care Bears is anyones guess, but considering his wicked nature, I suspect his ultimate plan involves forcing them to watch him take a poop while he laughs about it.

      Believeability: 4.5/10

      #5. Darth Maul (The Phantom Menace)

      Why He's on the List: Darth Maul should have been the signature villain in the Star Wars prequel trilogy, but in one of his many misteps, director George Lucas decided to kill him in Episode One. Why? Who the fuck knows. Here's what I do know: awesome face tattoo: check. Horns: check. Double-bladed red lightsaber: check. I know this one has been beaten to death but come on! Dudes a fucking badass!

      The Hero: Obi Wan Kenobi -- Ok, so Obi Wan is kinda cool, but in Episode One he is only a Padawan. This begs the question that if he could defeat Darth Maul as a Padawan then why the hell did he need to wait 20 years for Luke Skywalker to grow up and defeat Darth Vader? Was he just a pussy or what?

      Pants Shitting Factor: 9/10 -- Qui Gon and Obi Wan do an admirable job of looking brave, but trust me, theres a reason Jedi robes only come in the standard "shit brown" color.

      The Showdown: After watching Darth Maul kill his master, Obi Wan charges in with a flurry of lightsaber strikes, but gets knocked over a ledge, barely managing to cling to a pipe. As he dangles precariously, Darth Maul stalks back and forth basically just looking mean, conveniently giving Obi Wan enough time to form a plan. Using the force, Obi Wan flings himself over Darth Maul in a showy twistflip, while also pulling Qui Gon's discarded lightsaber into his hand. He spins and cuts Darth Maul in half and watches as the pieces fall down into the abyss.

      Shit Gets Real: In real life Obi Wan never makes it up from that ledge. I mean really, after showing off his ability to fight two Jedi at once in lighting fast lightsaber combat I seriously doubt Darth Maul would be incapable of murdering someone who's flying at him unarmed while tucking into a flip. So in the end I think Darth Maul walks away victorious, and ideally he also kidnaps annoying baby Anakin, teaches him how to be a man, and prevents him from becoming whiny adolescent Anakin; thus re-writing the entire Star Wars universe.

      Believability: 6/10

      #4. Gargamel (The Smurfs)

      Why He's on the List: Gargamel is a human wizard with a bevy of magical powers, it seems like this alone should make him more than a match for a group of tiny blue creatures who's only skill is adding the word "smurf" to things, as in; "I can't smurfing believe these mothersmurfs manage to elude Gargamel and his smurfing cat every smurfing episode."

      The Hero: The Smurfs -- Tiny blue fucks...yeah that about sums it up.

      Pants Shitting Factor: 8/10 -- For you and me Gargamel isn't too scary, but believe me, to a Smurf he is a giant walking apocalypse, guaranteed to soil those cute little smurf diapers that they all wear.

      The Showdown: The Smurfs and Gargamel have run ins every episode, usually involving Gargamel making some dumbfuck error that allows the Smurfs to escape. The worst part is that the Smurfs main weapon is usually something harmless like a bucket of water to the face, or a banana peel on the floor. Getting defeated over and over by tools like these is more than enough to shame any self-respecting wizard. 

      Shit Gets Real: Well, in real life, Smurfs is no childrens show I can tell you that. In real life Gargamel makes frequent succesful raids on the Smurf village, leaving just enough survivors so they can continue to breed delicious Smurf babies. He dines every evening on hearty Smurf pie and occasionally makes a captured Smurf strip naked and dance for him by candlelight. He lives a full life and never once slips on a banana peel.

      Believeability: 6/10    

      #3. Skeletor (He-Man and the Masters of the Universe)

      Why He's on the List: Skeletor is a fucking ripped badass skeleton with a bunch of monsters at his back. Check out the cut of those arms! And pecs like Arnold! All while rockin the black underwear beneath a purple loincloth! By all rights Skeletor should be ruling us all, but thanks to some cartoon writer, we're stuck with Adam/He-Man as the master of Eternia. 

      The Hero: He-Man -- As a physical specimen, He-Man is certainly a match for skeletor. It's when you ignore the muscles that see what a nancy boy He-Man really is. First off, this is what he looks like as Adam, Prince of Eternia:

       Just look at that outfit! Hot pink vest over a white lace shirt, dark purple underwear over light purple tights. Arms upthrust as if to say: "Look at me! Aren't I just totally faaabulous!" All that nesting under a haircut that I'd expect to see on a 7 year old girl. And observe the way his "mentor", Man-at-Arms, stands next to him, legs agape, hand resting casually on the bulge of his penis, wordlessly expressing: "Come get me, Sweet Prince. Together we can thrust out the darkness." Wowzers! I think I've stated my case, but for good measure:

       However, he wasn't all gay, you see, once he hoisted his magic sword and shouted, "I have the power!!!!" He transformed into the salty, tough, totally not gay, He-Man!

     Oh, hold on a god damned minute! Even salty, tough, totally-not-gay He-Man shops at Ballsacks R' Us:

     

      I loved this show as a kid, it's only when I watch it now as an adult that I see how truly gay He-Man was. And what a stupid fucking name. He-Man. Heh.

      Pants Shitting Factor: 9.5/10 -- Skeletor was a musclebound, hooded, skeleton. So yeah, basically the stuff of nightmares. Tailor made to fill undies with a mess of hot feces. 

      The Showdown: Like most kids cartoons from the 80's, Skeletor and He-Man have numerous clashes while the story never really goes anywhere. Basically every plot is Skeletor thinking up an insane plan, the type of plan you'd expect a walking talking skeleton to think up, and using his henchman to pull it off. Adam then gets wind of the plan, transforms into He-Man, and kicks some ass, spoiling Skeletors day in the process.

      Shit Gets Real: Here's a fact they don't touch on much in the show: Eternia is filled with pussies. Wet, dripping, sloppy pussies. I mean fuck, He-Man has a giant, green tiger...and even he's a fucking coward! Now if giant, green tigers are cowardly then you can bet no one else stands a chance. In the real world Skeletor and his monster horde swarm Eternia, sending the citizens fleeing in terror. As they storm the castle they break into the Royal Quarters of Prince Adam and interupt Adam and Man-at-Arms in the act of coitus. And all of a sudden the monster hordes plan to rape and pillage just got awkward...

      Believability- 6.5/10

      #2. Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

       Why He's on the List: Uroko Saki, aka Shredder, has got to be hands down one of the coolest looking bad guys ever. Aside from looking cool, he is also a ninja, which automatically makes him 10x cooler than a non-ninja Shredder. He also has an army of thugs, known as the "Foot Clan", who roam the streets causing mayhem and stealing shit to fund his totally rad hideout. A hideout which includes things like a half-pipe, pool tables, arcade video game cabinets, tv's, bumpin music, and free cigarrettes! Regular or menthol! Fuck yeah! Shredder is awesome! And Super Shredder!

Holy Shit! Cool! Rad!!!!!!!!!

       The Hero: Splinter -- Splinter is a giant mutated rat, in other words he's the worlds worst choice for a hero.I know some of you are saying, "hold on now Doctor, we all know the Ninja Turtles were the heroes, not Splinter." Well just shut the fuck up for a second and let me explain: For me, the definitive Turtle experience is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie, and in the movie Splinter is Shredders main foe, even though the turtles are the stars. So there.

       Pants Shitting Factor: 9.5/10 -- Believe me when I say this folks, if you ever see a man in a purple jumpsuit covered in knives walking towards you then you might as well just go ahead and use your asshole one last time because you're about to kiss it goodbye.

      The Showdown: It's a rainy night in New York City and the Ninja Turtles have spent most of it kicking the shit out of the Foot Clan. The battle culminates on a rooftop where Shredder faces off against all four turtles. They attack him one by one and all at once, it doesn't matter what they try though because Shredder is just a beast and he handles them easily. Just when the battle seems lost, Splinter appears. He and Shredder have words and Shredder realizes that Splinter is the same little fucking rodent that scratched his face up 15 years ago. Now Shredder, being the awesome madman that he is, decides that someone scratching his face 15 years ago is grounds to attempt a full speed charge with the intention of impaling that someone with your spear. Splinter dodges the attack, and after a few moments of dangling Shredder by some nunchucks, Shredder slips and falls into the back of a garbage truck, where a truly atrocious act of murder occurs. We see Casey Jones standing next to the garbage truck as he says, "Oops", and pulls a lever down, crushing Shredder with the garbage. Casey Jones, you are a sick, dastardly, son of a bitch. 

      Shit Gets Real: Bad news for us turtle fans: in the real world Shredder has some new armor made out of giant turtle shells and he wears undies made out of rat hide. Without movie tricks there is no way the Turtles could have come out victorious. The good news is we'd all have free smokes and unlimited games of Ms.PacMan, which I think is pretty much how they describe heaven in the bible.

      Believability: 4/10

      #1. John "Johnny" Lawrence (The Karate Kid)

      Why He's on the List: I know this is painfully obvious, but I'll say it anyway: Johnny is the fucking best villain in a movie ever. Seriously, dude is the shit. Looking back, I can't believe anyone ever rooted for Daniel! I mean, here's this cool guy, doing cool guy stuff like smoking weed, banging a cheerleader, beating up nerds, riding dirt bikes, and wearing fucking sweet skeleton outfits; when all the sudden this new kid shows up and starts chasing his woman! Johnny wasn't the bad guy! He was the victim! He didn't want to bully Daniel, he didn't want to be a jerk, he did it because he had to! Look at the dance scene: not only is the "hero" Daniel dressed up as a stupid ass shower, he also pours water all over Johnny while he's in a bathroom stall rolling a joint, then our "hero" Danny runs like a scared bitch. But he isn't nearly fast enough, because Johnny is pissed about his joint and he's not gonna let Danny get away. When Johnny catches up he even tells Danny straight: "You couldn't leave well enough alone, huh you little twerp. No, you had to push it, well now you're gonna pay!" Pow! Gut punch! Tell me that isn't heroic! Only a true hero would gut punch someone while wearing this:

     

      And for your viewing pleasure:

                               

      The Hero: Daniel Larusso -- Danny is just a huge pussy. Not at all a worthy opponent of the great John Lawrence. Notice how he acts whenever he's getting his ass kicked (which is frequently), he does this thing where he moans like a whore who's begging for a few more inches of hard cock. Thats no way for a hero to behave. 

      Pants Shitting Factor: 10/10 -- If your name is Daniel Larusso then you shit your pants if anyone even says the name "Johnny." It's an instant and uncontrollable reaction, bred through years of evolution between predator and prey. You see, our hero realized early in the movie that a punch to the lip only made Johnny laugh, so the only thing to do is shit your pants and hope the smell repels him, much like the noble skunk. 

      The Showdown: It's the finals of the All-Valley Karate Tournament and to everyones surprise Daniel Larusso has persevered through a tough field of karate masters to face off against Johnny. The fight goes back and forth until they are tied at match point. Daniel assumes the crane position and Johnny, perhaps thinking Daniel has lost his mind, wanders casually into kicking range so Daniel can deliver the knock out blow.

This is a bunch of bullshit.

      Shit Gets Real: Lets go ahead and take a huuuuge leap of faith here and assume that somehow in real life Daniel makes it the finals. Not only does Johnny knock Danny out in front of his mom and girlfriend, he then takes Danny's mom and girlfriend back to his place and fucks 'em real good. Back at school he torments Danny on a daily basis, Danny tries the crane technique several times and gets badly beaten in return. Johnny continues to screw Danny's mom, often times he stays the night and Danny wakes up in the morning to the sight of his mom cooking bacon in her underwear while Johnny sits on the couch naked, rolling a joint, massive penis flopping to the side. Danny's already tiny penis will shrivel up even more at the sight, and his testicles will recess to a spot deep within his stomach. Thats real life.

      Believability: 0/10

      So there you have it, 7 villains who didn't deserve to lose. Think you have a great villain that overshadows the hero? Drop me a line in the comments section and tell me your thoughts, and as always, remember to follow, share, and spread the love!