The Movie: Rocky IV (1985)
The Song: Hearts on Fire by John Cafferty
Song Rating: 8.3/10--This song is so bad that it's badass. It's just daring you to run your mouth so it can ram a fist down your throat.
Action: 8/10--Stallone is a beast! Just look at that training regiment! Only a madman or a retard would train for a fight using these techniques, amazingly Rocky Balboa was both!
80's Cheese: 8.5/10--I'm sure the director intended this to be a serious, intense scene...yeah he failed. I can't watch this without laughing! Stallone outruns a car, lifts a cart full of people, and grows an awesome beard! It's so over the top, and not in an "Over the Top Stallone Arm Wrestling" type of way. More like an "anyone attempting to duplicate this training for a fight will get their ass kicked" type of way.
Karate: 3/10--I gave this a 3 because boxing is kind of like karate...well no not really, but this is my blog and I say 3.
Shirtless Dudes: 9/10--After viewing this a couple times I'm convinced that this scene was written just to show off how ripped Stallone was. I'm also mildly concerned about the growing bulge in my pants...
Final Verdict: 8.5/10--Ultimately the lack of true karate cost this clip a full point. It desperately wanted to be the greatest montage ever but falls short of the mark.
The Movie: Footloose (1984)
The Song: Footloose by Kenny Loggins
Song Rating: 8/10--This song was pretty big in the 80's, and judging by all the youtube wedding videos, people are still cutting loose! Footloose!! Even today.
Action: 6.5/10--There is plenty of action in this scene, unfortunately it's of the "horrible 80's dancing" variety, and not the "split-kick to the face" variety.
80's Cheese: 10/10--Oh man this clip is ridiculous! I can't help but cringe when I watch it. This clip is so unintentionally hilarious that I can't even think of any good jokes for it! The clip itself is the best joke anyone has ever written!
Karate: 2/10--You may be asking yourself why this clip gets any karate points at all, since there is a depressing lack of karate in the whole scene. Well let me explain: this clip gets 2 points for "karate by association", as those of us who know Footloose recognize that immediately before this scene Kevin Bacon kicks ass using some sweet 80's karate moves!
Shirtless Dudes: 0/10--Sadly no. Fully-shirted dudes only means a 0/10 in this category.
Final Verdict: 7.5/10--Footloose was looking pretty solid after the first three categories, unfortunately a lack of karate and shirtless dudes keeps it from reaching elite status.
The Movie: Bloodsport (1988)
The Song: Fight to Survive by Stan Bush
Song Rating: 10/10--Kumite!Kumite!Kumite! Fuck yeah! This song rocks!
Action: 10/10--This clip is classic 80's action! Dudes getting kicked in the face, a little monkey dude scampering around, and Bolo Yeung, a.k.a. the big Chinese guy who always plays a blood thirsty villain make this the pinnacle of action montages!
80's Cheese: 7.5/10--This movie gets a 7.5 for it's liberal usage of something I call "80's karate". For those of you who are wondering, 80's karate is a highly technical fighting school that is designed solely on the premise that if you try it on the school bully he's going to kick your ass twice as hard as he originally intended to. (Source: experience)
Karate: 10/10--Fuck yeah! Karate everywhere! Remove the karate from this clip and you're left with absolutely nothing! This clip is 100% karate!
Shirtless Dudes: 9.5/10--A couple guys wearing shirts ruin this clips chance for a 10, although I almost awarded it anyway based only on Bolo Yeung's giant, bouncing pectorals.
Final Verdict: 9.8/10--This is a near perfect example of an 80's montage. If they had somehow found a way to slip in some dancing or a couple high-fives this clip would have locked up a 10.
The Movie: Top Gun (1986)
The Song: Playing With Them Boys by Kenny Loggins
(Note: Apparently an unedited version of this scene is impossible to find on youtube, so make do with this shittier, unoriginal version.)
Song Rating: 7.5/10--What kind of sick bastard puts a song called "Playing With Them Boys" in a clip featuring sweaty, shirtless men playing volleyball? It's a well known fact that "Playing With Them Boys" is the #1 song on child molesters ipods. Aside from that, I think of this song whenever I see a volleyball, or a net, or a patch of sand...so I guess it did it's job.
Action: 8.2/10--Oh yeah! This scene has all kinds of action! Beach volleyball action! High-fiving action! Watch checking action! Ok, maybe I should rethink this...
80's Cheese: 9/10--I was only 4 years old when this movie came out, but I suspect that volleyball sales went through the roof after it's release. I say this because I'm sure that any adult in the 80's thought this scene was Fucking Rad Dude! Check out those high-fives! Whoa! Reverse High-Five!!! Fuck Yeah!!!!!!!!
Karate: 0/10--The director was just being lazy here. If he hadn't wasted so much time high-fiving I'm sure he could have fit in a spin kick or two.
Shirtless Dudes: 9.7/10--Oh you god-damned better believe it! This scene is widely regarded as the most homo-erotic scene in mainstream cinema, and the boner in my pants agrees! Fucking Goose and his low self-esteem keep this from being a 10. Come on Anthony Edwards! Did you not see this scene in the script? Put the fucking Doritos down and hit the gym so you can be ready for the big volleyball scene!
Final Verdict: 9.0/10--This movie scored nicely across the board, with the exception of karate. Oh you poor 80's directors! When will you learn to include karate no matter what? I don't care if your movie is about a young chimpanzee coming to terms with his budding homosexuality, put some god damned karate in that bitch!
The Movie: The Karate Kid (1984)
The Song: You're the Best by Joe Esposito
Song Rating: 10/10--This song is so badass! I play it every time I make love to my wife, and she doesn't dare complain. You know why? CRANE TECHNIQUE MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!
Action: 9.2/10--This clip packs as much action as you could expect from a movie starring Ralph Machio, which obviously is a shit ton!
80's Cheese: 9/10--The haircuts, the music, a karate tournament...it doesn't get any more 80's than this.
Karate: 10/10--And not just any karate, 80's karate! Lots of 80's karate! Holy shit! This movie resulted in more nerds getting their asses kicked than the invention of pocket protectors! If I had a dime for every nerd who attempted the crane technique in a real fight and woke up on the pavement I'd have enough money to take karate lessons from Pat Morita himself...and he's dead!
Shirtless Dudes: 1/10--A couple of the robes are opened ever so slightly to give you a peek at the man-flesh beneath, that's good enough for a 1 in my book.
Final Verdict: 10/10--Despite the directors oversight in not including any shirtless dudes, this clip still gets a 10/10 and goes down as the greatest 80's music montage ever made! You're all right LaRusso!
Last Word: It was tough for me to narrow this list down to just five clips. I know I left a lot of good stuff out there. Shit, the Rocky series alone could have provided 6-7 clips. Footloose had two contenders, and Jean Claude Van Damme could have provided me with enough montages to write half a dozen articles. Alas, I only have so much time, and besides, I have to save some material for future writing! If you feel I had an omission that was particularly egregious then let me know in the comments section, maybe your idea will make it into a later article! Follow, share, and spread the love!
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