#1. He's a Robot
The Facts: A cybernetic organism is sent back through time to rock our faces with gratuitously violent movies based on the single concept that a He-Man shaped lump of flesh can murder as many faceless extras as a given director chooses to sacrifice to him. In the Earth of the future, Arnold's robotic nature will be known as historical fact, but by then it will be too late, because guess what? The robots won! And we'll all be too busy getting turned into human paste for the sustenance of our robot overlords to worry about history.
You may think this is a great make-up job, but you're wrong. This is what Arnold looks like when you take the make-up off!
My Take: Arnold is the only actor on the planet who could convince us that he was "a cybernetic organism, living tissue over metal endoskeleton". I mean, he said that shit and we believed him! In fact, I'm almost positive that line was taken directly from the "Authorized Biography of Arnold Schwarzenegger", yeah, you can find it under the heading: "Arnold's First Words".
Awesomeness Rating: 9 Flopping Terminator Penises
#2. One Liners
The Facts: Arnold's career is filled with fantastic one liners. In general these lines are not amusing by themselves, but when taken in context they provide ample hilarity. Consider this: after shooting his wife in Total Recall, he says with a completely straight face, "Consider that a divorce". Classic! Or how about him saying "Stick around" after he uses his giant knife to pin a guy to a log in the movie Predator. Talk about adding insult to injury! I mean, here's this guy with a bowie knife sticking out of his gut, very likely contemplating his last moments on Earth, and he's got a giant Austrian making fun of his predicament! What an asshole!
My Take: Arnold has proven himself to be the king of the one liner, he's actually honed the skill into a science. In fact, there is even a formula for it: Arnold kills you + Arnold cleverly makes fun of you while you die = Awesome!!! I could list one liners all day but you're better off just searching the internet for them yourself. But as a consolation I will leave you with one more gem:
Awesomeness Rating: 9.5 Humiliated Dead Guys
#3. Biceps
The Facts: In his prime Arnold's arms measured 22-23 inches "fully pumped". Arnold had arms that made gorillas weep with envy. I have it on good authority that he impregnated over three-dozen women simply by rubbing his bicep on their vagina's. His arms were so big he used to cut the sleeves off of sleeveless jackets. You may be asking yourself: are these really facts? To that I say yes, as far as you know these are all documented facts. Observe this picture and then try and tell me I'm wrong:
My Take: The fact that Arnold's arms were around 23 inches definitely makes me question Hulk Hogan's constant boasting about his "24 inch Pythons brother!" No way did Hogan have bigger arms than Arnold. And if he actually did, then I'm just going to go ahead and call history a liar.
Awesomeness Rating: 9.0 Crying Lou Ferrigno's
#4. He Was The Real American Hero
The Facts: Every kid growing up in 1980's America knew who Arnold was and worshipped him. For many of us he was the real life Superman. He served on the Presidential Fitness Board for Bush Sr, as well as marrying and banging Maria Schriver, who was like the American equivalent of royalty. He pretty much embodied the American Dream, being a foreigner coming to this distant land and not only succeeding, but climbing to the very top of his profession. When Arnold announced he was retiring from bodybuilding to become an actor many critics laughed, assuming it was a joke of some kind. Well let me tell you right now: Arnold was NOT fucking joking.
My Take: Who would have guessed that the Austrian-born son of Nazi sympathisers would grow up to be the embodiment of all things American. He was a walking caricature of America squeezed into a pumped up Nazi experiment gone wrong. You see, when Adolph Hitler injected Arnold's mother with a lethal dose of radioactive ape semen, he had no idea that his unholy creation would grow up to be such an awesome fucking symbol of America, and therein lay Hitlers folly. But being Americans, I must point out that as much as we enjoy our heroes rise to the top, we derive even more satisfaction from their inevitable downfall.... Segue!
Bodybuilding pose or Zig Heil??? Awesomeness Rating: 8.7 Nazi Ape Hybrids
#5. Rapid Decline
The Facts: Starting in the late 90’s Arnold’s box office take started to sag, which happened to coincide perfectly with the sagging of his man-tits. These factors prompted him to retire from acting and move into the realm of politics. In 2003 he ran for governor of California and won, which would seem like a good thing except that many Californians didn't agree with his politics, and some downright hated him. There was also the whole "Gropegate" scandal, but Arnold's always been a groper so I won't hold that against him. After he left office he completed his downfall when the story came out that he had been banging his fat, hairy, Hispanic maid and had even fathered a secret half-Arnold love child with her. Cue the media frenzy, shame, and inevitable divorce.
My Take: In the future they must not have perfected skin technology quite yet, as seen in this picture of Arnold's living tissue noticeably sagging around his metal endoskeleton:
So that's what happens when you fill a fleshy sack with muscles and then empty it out!
As for knocking up the maid and keeping it a secret, wouldn’t you keep this a secret?
Presenting exhibit Fugly your honor...
You can’t blame the guy too much for screwing the maid though. I mean, I’m sure it went down like this: she was there, Maria wasn’t, Arnold was horny and he did what Arnold always does when he’s horny: he stuck his dick in something warm and soft. The one thing I wonder though is, during sex, was it the maid who was sucking Arnolds titties, or the other way around?
Awesomeness Rating: 9.3 Drooping Man-Breasts
Conclusion: In my opinion, Arnold will go down as one of the greatest big-screen persona's in the history of cinema. He has recently expressed an interest in returning to acting, which is good for him and good for us! He better start working since I bet those alimony payments will start coming out of his bank account anytime now, if they aren’t already. I hope that he has a second life in movies much like the recent resurgence of his main 80’s rival Sly Stallone. If he does I’ll be there to watch. I'll leave you with one more pic of the great Arnold Schwarzenegger enjoying the spoils of victory...
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