This is the place to find editorials and reviews of all things pop culture, (albeit from a slightly twisted point of view). If you like movies, games, music, tv, or books then stay tuned! I have multiple articles in the works and will be releasing them as soon as I can. If I offend anyone I'm sorry, but please keep in mind that you suck and I never liked you anyway! Remember to "follow" "share" and leave comments! Thank you!
2012...The future has arrived and it is ugly, trite, and superficial. If the era of HD has taught us anything, it's that you can put lipstick on a pig, but in the end it's still going to stink like shit. In a time when human beings have so many things vying for their attention, it's easy to slap some fancy special effects on something and know that millions of popcorn munching Americans will line up to see all the pretty lights. But where is the art? Where are the meticulously hand drawn cartoons of our youth? Where is the focus on directorial craftmanship over fancy technological wizardry? And most important of all, where is the heart? The Dr. knows that he's not the only one being left with an empty feeling by today's entertainment. The recent resurgence of retro culture can testify to that. It's as if the glitzy patina of CGI, HD, 1080p emptiness is finally starting to crack and peel, exposing what is in essence a body without a soul. An empty vessel. Pick any episode of "I Love Lucy" and you'll find more beauty, heart, and soul in that grainy black and white than you will ever see in today's meticulously polished turds. Compare an episode of "The Brady Bunch" with it's pastels and soft focus to an episode of "CSI" with it's lightening cuts and blue filtered "style" and the difference is clear:
We are unique and beautiful snowflakes.
Look at us! Everything is blue! Fuckin A! Cool!
And of course, there is the saga of Star Wars, who's example alone could prove the point a thousand times over. The original trilogy oozed style. And that should come as no surprise considering George Lucas channeled 1950's era serials to create his sci-fi epic, showing once again that sometimes the old things really are the best. Cut to 1999 and the release of "The Phantom Menace" and you'll find an entirely new Star Wars. Not one that channels old school cool, but one that sold its' soul for a pretty face. George himself admitted that he waited to continue the story of Star Wars "until the technology was there to do it the way I wanted." Was it a visual spectacle? No doubt about it. Just look at how real Jar Jar Binks looks! Wow! Did everyone on the planet fucking hate Jar Jar Binks? No doubt about that either.
Put your fucking thumb down, and your tongue back in your mouth before I rip them both off and shove them up whatever amounts to an asshole for your species.
The age of digital is slowly decaying the foundation of artistic hand-worked style that the medium was founded on. In 1977 people accepted that a little toy spaceship hovering over a scale model of the Death Star was indeed a spaceship. Why then, in 2012, do we require a $5 million dollar computer crafted special effect to convince us of the same thing? Sure, it may look more "real", but in the end it does nothing to improve the nature of the film, and is therefore wasted money. The Dr. of Culture prefers his spaceships lovingly handcrafted in miniature by true artists. One may look more "real" on film, but guess what? In real life, the model is the only one you can actually touch with your hands.The ironic thing in all this is that the ongoing search for more, better, bigger special effects has led us down a road where style trumps substance but the products being produced have neither.
Lack of substance is no more apparent than in todays infatuation with reality tv. Now, I should be clear here, there is a certain brand of reality show that even the Dr. can enjoy. Shows like "The Deadliest Catch", "Gold Rush", or "American Chopper". And do you know why boys and girls? Because they involve real people, real danger, real drama; thus the name "reality tv". There is however, a horde of impostors in our midst. A group of slimy, slithering snakes seeking to slide into your subconcious and shit slippery streams of stink into your psyche. Yes, I'm talking about:
Aside from the fact that these shows are in no way "reality", their major crime is lulling people into being content with the contrived and the mediocre. They are devoid of style, starving for substance, and most egregious of all: popular as fuck. Which is in essence why this article is an indictment of a culture without style and substance and not the shows made by said culture. The movies and shows are a symptom of the disease, but we the people (read: you the people) are the actual cancer that is killing the beautiful things in this world. By agreeing to watch things like this you are telling networks that "Yes, this is fine. Please give us more things like this and we will continue to watch them. I have forgotten what good tv looks like, but that is fine because I am fat and happy with bad tv." Sad sad sad America, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
But though this article may be all doom and gloom, there is reason to be optimistic. Modern shows such as "Breaking Bad", "Game of Thrones", "The Walking Dead"; and movies like "The Avengers", "Star Trek", and "Black Swan" are proving that you can still marry special effects and storytelling in a way that does not discount either. In other words, style and substance, wrapped up neatly in a single package. Perhaps we will come full circle. Perhaps movies such as "The Artist" will remind people of the beauty that only a black and white picture can hold. Perhaps those of us who are 80's children will begin to yearn for those things that we loved as kids, and as we grow older and become the new lords in Hollywood, we will seek a return to our stylistic roots. Perhaps Disney will remove their heads from their asses and once again begin releasing wonderful hand-drawn movies that my great-grandchildren will still be watching 70 years from now. Either way, one unequivocal truth remains: what is cool and popular today will always be trumped by what was beautiful and special yesterday. Peace out.
In real life street gangs are a blight on society and a dangerous problem for communities. In movies however, they transform into something so cool that every ten-year old instantly realizes that a gang is exactly what they always wanted and needed. Hollywood has wisely chosen to feature gangs in dozens of pictures. From old school rumbles to new school drive bys, we've been treated to every gang possibility under the sun. For me though, the true test of a gangs mettle lie in their proficiency with hand to hand combat. Any asshole can fire a gun, but only a true hard-ass gets up close and personal with fists, chains, clubs, and knives. So for this list, no guns allowed. Sorry Bloods and Crips, sorry Corleone Family, time to make way for the real heavies. Here I've assembled, (in no particular order), the five hardest groups of fucking bad-asses to ever deliver a spinning heel kick. Time to figure out who the baddest of the bad really is.
The Natives (Gangs of New York 2002)
Who Are They: The Natives are group of patriots dedicated to the cause of beating down the immigrant population, and while this is a noble cause, the immigrants themselves don't agree with the policy. The Natives belief in their righteousness is the most powerful tool at their disposal and their numbers help keep smaller gangs in check.
Notable Quote: "At my challenge, by the ancient laws of combat, we are met at this chosen ground, to settle for good and all who holds sway over the five points: us natives, born rightwise to this fine land, or the foreign hordes defiling it. "
Leadership: 10/10 -- Bill "The Butcher" Cutting -- Bill Cutting is not a man to be fucked with. He climbed his way to the top of New York's criminal underworld through toughness and sheer force of will and now leads the biggest, toughest gang in the whole city. He carves through foes while dual-wielding his trademark butcher knives and shows no mercy to his enemies. He is charismatic and intelligent, but doesn't hesitate to cut up a whore if the situation calls for it. A true class act and an All-American hero.
Chief Rival: 8/10 -- The Dead Rabbits -- The Dead Rabbits are mostly comprised of Irish immigrants, many of them fresh off the boat. They come here to eat the fruit of America and shit the seeds into her streets. As a fighting force they have the numbers to match The Natives, but in spirit they have no answer to old-fashioned American bigotry, which is why they are crushed under American boot heels...oh wait, they win in the end. What the fuck kind of movie is this?
Trademark: 8/10 -- The Native trademark is a sexy blue sash, worn in varying places on the body. Some members also choose to go with funny hats or hilarious facial hair to further distinguish how badass they are. It only takes one scene of The Butcher knifing his way through a crowd to convince me that fucking with a man crazy enough to wear a blue sash, top hat, and handlebar moustache is a terrible idea.
Fighting Style: 8/10 -- The fighting style of The Natives can only be described as "haphazard." In fact, I would guess that none of the members actually have any formal martial arts training, which is unfortunate. You see, I believe that the addition of a few split-kicks or even a roundhouse kick would have turned the tide in the final battle against The Dead Rabbits. It is their folly that The Natives never bothered to learn any fighting moves beyond "punch, kick, and stab."
Overall Toughness: 9.5/10 -- What The Natives lack in formal training they more than make up for with sheer balls-out craziness, and anyone can tell you that a crazy person feels no pain. And not only are they crazy, they're fucking nuts as well! These are the types of men who will rip an eyeball out for staring at them, the types who don't need to be in the middle of sex to fishhook a bitch from behind. Their hatred of foreigners fuels their insane fire and drives them to do things that make normal men squirt feces.
The Greasers (The Outsiders 1983)
Who Are They: The Greasers are a group of sexy young Brat-Packers from the wrong side of the tracks. They live a free-wheeling lifestyle with no plans beyond making it to their next hair appointment. They tend to mind their own business, just don't step on their fucking turf man!
Notable Quote: "Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold."
Leadership: 8/10 -- Darry -- Darry is played by Patrick Swayze, who played a badass in movies like Roadhouse and Point Break, so while he doesn't kick a ton of ass in this movie, the audience understands that the potential for a roundhouse kick is always lurking just beneath the surface.
Chief Rival: 4/10 -- The Socials, or "Socs", are a bunch of pretty boy preppies who like to flaunt their wealth in the faces of The Greasers. The Socials are a serious group of pussies, but using their superior intellect and breeding, they manage, on several occasions, to catch Greasers when they are outnumbered and ripe for the fucking.
Trademark: 7.5/10 -- Jean jackets, Bic combs, and hair that's had a quart of 30 weight motor oil massaged into it. These guys were the hardest motherfuckers you'd find down at the soda fountain in 1965.
Fighting Style: 7.5/10 -- The Greasers prefer chains and switchblades, but will resort to bare-knuckles if they have to. Their style is basic school yard punching and kicking, the type of fighting you would expect to see on any elementary playground. What I don't understand is this: here is a gang with both Swayze and Machio, two of the worlds foremost karate masters, and yet there isn't a lick of karate in the whole god-damned movie! What a waste of talent!
Overall Toughness: 7/10 -- The Greasers may have run Tulsa, but they wouldn't stand a chance in a bigger city. They're no wimps, and they do show an admirable willingness to cut a motherfucker, but they've been paired up with a comically weak foe, causing their own skills to suffer. I did give them an extra point for having a member named "Ponyboy", because let's face it, if you're in a tough street gang and your nickname is "Ponyboy" then you might just be the hardest fucking gangster walking the streets.
The Foot Clan (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie 1990)
Who are They: The Foot Clan is a group of teenage thieves who roam the streets of New York City in search of any valuables they can get their hands on. They use their ninja skills to cart off warehouses full of goods right under the owners nose. They use these goods to build themselves the fucking awesomest hide-out the world has ever seen. If The Foot had two tenets to live by they would be "steal shit" and "make kids want to join our ninja criminal gang".
Notable Quote: "You are here because the outside world rejects you. THIS is your family. *I* am your father. I want you all to become full members of the Foot. There is a new enemy: freaks of nature who interfere with our business. You are my eyes and ears; find them. Together we will punish these creatures. These... turtles."
Leadership: 9.5/10 -- Shredder -- I've already detailed Shredder in a separate post, so I'll just sum up: He is a ninja master and he wears a metal suit covered in blades. How fucking badass is that? (Hint: The correct answer is "very".)
Chief Rival: 9/10 -- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles -- The Ninja Turtles were a foursome of giant turtles known for their love of kicking ass, eating pizza, and being Fucking Radical Dude! Despite showing no visible signs of genitalia the Turtles were chock full of balls. Anyone willing to take on not only Shredder, but his gang of henchmen as well, is a worthy foe in my book.
Trademark: 8.5/10 -- The Foot Clan outfit consists of purple or black ninja pajamas, complete with a bug-eyed hood to cover their delinquent faces. Underneath those masks lie the hearts of killers...and sometimes a weak ginger kid named Danny who loves his daddy.
Fighting Style: 9.7/10 -- The Foot are not only tough, but wise as well. You can tell by their choice of fighting style: Fucking Karate. Really, think about it. You come up against a group of mutated turtles, what do you do? You sure as fuck don't want to box with them, and wrestling a giant turtle is not only insane, it just might be gay. No, if/when you meet a group of mutated turtles you're going to want to karate them. Just karate the shit out of their asses. Trust me.
Overall Toughness: 5/10 -- The Foot Clan was a giant gang overflowing with black-belts, so why couldn't they murder four turtles? The answer, my friends, is a touch of pussiness. Master Shredder would gladly tear the Turtles apart in an orgy of blood. The Foot however, they're just a bunch of kids, lacking the true murderers rage needed to defeat a scientific abomination like the Turtles. You can see this in the fight scenes, as Foot soldiers surround the Turtles, instead of attacking they hang back, patiently waiting their turn to step up and get knocked out. True killers would just watch for an opening to split a Turtle skull open using a katana.....yeah they definitely should have put that in the movie.
The Cobra Kai (The Karate Kid 1984)
Who are They: The Cobra Kai is the worlds most elite karate school. Many of the worlds greatest fighters have come through the Cobra Kai dojo, including two-time All-Valley Karate Tournament champion, John Lawrence. They are best known for championing the noble causes of "beating up nerds", as well as "dressing like skeletons" and "riding dirt bikes". In other words, The Cobra Kai manages to hit the extremely rare "Holy Trinity of Awesomeness".
Notable Quote: "We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. Here, in the streets, in competition: A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy."
Leadership: 8/10 -- John Kreese -- Let me clear on one thing here: John Kreese is a bad motherfucker. He's an ex Special Forces operative and a Vietnam vet, not to mention his elite karate skills. He asks for no mercy and you can bet your ass that he will grant you none. So why only an 8/10? Well it would have been a 10, based off of The Karate Kid alone he is most definitely a 10. However, anyone worth their salt knows that at the beginning of The Karate Kid II Kreese gets his ass kicked by a 65 year old, five foot tall oriental man named Mr. Miyagi. And again, in The Karate Kid III, not only does Miyagi kick his ass, but he also kicks his buddies ass too for good measure. So you can see, getting your ass kicked twice by an old Jap will get two points dropped off your score every day of the week.
Chief Rival: 0/10 -- Ok, here is where the Cobra Kai loses a lot of steam. As far as rivals go, you'd be hard-pressed to find me a weaker pairing than LaRusso/Miyagi. The fact that these two manage to take down the entire Cobra Kai is a cinematic tragedy. When watching The Karate Kid I suggest you make up your own alternate ending, preferably one where Daniel gets knocked out in the first round and we get to see a montage of Johnny buzz-sawing his way through the tournament while "You're the Best Around" plays in the background. And then the music keeps playing as we transition into the tender love-making scene... Trademark: 9/10 -- The Cobra Kai's sick black and yellow jumpsuits shame every other outfit at the All-Valley Karate Tournament. They are specifically tailored to open up a little in the front so everyone can see how well defined the chests are over at the Cobra Kai dojo. Aside from the karate outfits, there is also the afore-mentioned skeleton costumes. Fuck. Yes. Skeletons. In fact, I love the skeleton get ups so much I think they should have just worn those to the tournament, and some day, when I make my 10 billion dollar re-make of The Karate Kid, they will. Fighting Style: 10/10 -- 80's Karate! 80's karate is just the fucking best. Just check out all those roundhouse kicks, spinning heel kicks, and spinning back-fists. It's a well known fact that if you threw a spinning heel kick anytime between 1980 and 1989 you were guaranteed to knock out your opponent with a fucking tubular slow-motion display of karate mastery. Unfortunately the 80's are gone, and the best advice I can give you is to never attempt a kick of any kind in a fight. Unless you have a time machine or you like getting your ass kicked. Either way, you know, just sort of try and have fun with it. Overall Toughness: 6/10 -- It hurts me so bad to put a 6 in this category, but I don't see where I have much choice. I'm a Doctor of Culture and the oath I took long ago bound me to the rules of Culturology. The Cobra Kai is awesome as all hell, but they also get ran through by Danny LaRusso. I can't ignore that fact, as much as I'd like to. Take out Danny and make the Cobra Kai the stars of the film and it will be a 10 all day. Maybe make a movie where they roll joints in the school bathroom, then ride dirt bikes, then beat up a nerd...fuck I don't know I'm not a screenwriter.
The Warriors (The Warriors 1979)
Who are They: The Warriors are a New York City street gang. Known for being the most sane of all NYC gangs, The Warriors dare to push the envelope by not succumbing to peer pressure to dress up like baseball players or wear rollerskates. They prove the righteousness of their cause as they stomp their way through every gang in the city on the way back to their home turf. Notable Quote: "I'll shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle." Leadership: 9/10 -- Swan -- Swan is surprisingly gentle name for a badass motherfucker. Don't let it fool you, if it wasn't for the leadership of Swan The Warriors would never have made it through the night alive. Swan can hold his own in a fight, but more importantly, he keeps a cool head under pressure. Not to mention he is a prime example of 70's pimpness. One look at him and you can tell instantly what decade he's in, motherfucker owned that look, and no one will ever look like that again.
Chief Rival: 8/10 -- The Rogues -- The Rogues are another NYC street gang who seeks to challenge The Warriors right to dress normally. Their leader, Luthor, is a slimeball cocksucker who puts a frame-job on The Warriors for the killing of Cyrus. Because of him The Warriors must face off against the craziness of The Baseball Furies, The Hi-Hats, The Lizzies, The Punks, and every other gang in New York who happens to have some spare Halloween costumes lying around. Trademark: 8/10 -- The Warriors rock a vintage sleeveless red leather vest and 70's haircuts. The sleeveless design allows for ample flexibility when throwing Hollywood-style haymakers, which is always a plus. The 70's hair just looks awesome, and that's really the only purpose it needs to exist. Fighting Style: 7/10 -- The Warriors use a brawling style of fighting, utilizing every weapon at hand. You can spot some karate, but I suspect the characters picked it up watching tv, and actually lack any formal training. Like most old-school gangs The Warriors prefer their violence up close and personal, knives and bat style fighting. The type of fighting where you're close enough to grab your opponents cock and yank on it real good. Man fighting. Overall Toughness: 9.7/10 -- The Warriors prove over and over again that they are not to be fucked with. They kick the shit out of one gang after another, and still continue on their journey. It would have been easy for the gang to just take off their colors and sneak back home. But no; with every gang in the city hunting them they still proudly display their vests as a rousing "Fuck You" to every foolish gangster who wants to come get some. The Warriors know they are too badass to be stopped, no matter how many circus clowns you throw at them. I did take off .3 of a point for a couple times they were forced to run, although really I'd rather just forget that shit and focus on what a magnum-opus of badassery we're dealing with here. Watch the movie if you haven't already. If you're a male, your first viewing of "The Warriors" will cause a brand new patch of hair to sprout on your chest and ass area, as well as adding a full inch to your penis and 4 ounces to your nutsack weight. If you're a woman.....well it does pretty much the same thing so consider this a warning.
Conclusion: Holy shit I had fun writing this! I wish I had more time to elaborate on some points, but I already had to cut out about 5 paragraphs worth of stuff just to keep things moving. So many subjects so little time...Feel free to drop me a line in the comments section and tell me how much you love me or how badly I fucked up! And as always, follow, share, and spread the love!
Throughout the history of television and movies there have been dozens of iconic villains. Most of them play opposite a worthy opponent, some however, get stuck losing the final battle to a wimp, nerd, midget, or in rare cases, teddy bears. It's so unfair how Hollywood forces these badasses to play second fiddle to some uppity, judgemental do-gooder. I'm going to set the record straight right now and give these villains their just-do. For this story I'll be going over some categories such as: in real life how hard would the hero shit his pants, how badass in general the villain is, and how believable the movie outcome is. I'll also be dropping some pertinent facts as well as making a general listing of hero/villain strengths.
#7.Biff Tannen (Back to the Future)
Why He's on the List: Biff Tannen was the quintessential bully; he was big, tough, and a mean son of a bitch for no good reason. He was also an attempted rapist, which makes him way more hardcore than most PG movie villains, and also proves his range as a villain. I mean, for most of the movie he's your stereotypicle bully, the type who would give a nerd a wedgie, swirlie, noogie, or indian burn- pretty harmless stuff really. But then, just when you thought you knew him, he goes and attempts a rape. Damn Biff. Damn.
The Hero: George/Marty McFly -- George McFly is the limpest of limp noodles as well as a peeping tom pervert. Marty is much cooler, but he's only 5 feet tall and wouldn't stand a real life chance against the beast that is Biff Tannen.
Pants Shitting Factor: 8/10 -- Check out the picture below and you can see actor Crispin Glover is literally shitting in his pants on camera.
Here is an image of the highly technical MMA maneuver known as the arm-hold thingy.
The Showdown: It's the night of the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and Marty McFly is putting his plan in motion to get his parents together when Biff shows up drunk and ready to kick some ass. After he and his crew beat down Marty and lock him in a trunk, Biff decides he's going to take some ass from Lorraine whether she likes it or not. Just as Biff's cock starts to get hard George shows up to play the hero, ordering Biff to "get his damn hands off her." Biff does the logical thing and throws George into a weird sort of arm-lock maneuver, but while he's laughing George throws a haymaker and knocks our her- err villain out cold.
Shit Gets Real: All right people, here's the hard truth; in real life Lorraine gets raped, because in real life man mountains like Biff Tannen take what they want when they want it, so once he lays into you, best to just close your eyes and let him finish. Also George and Marty both get their asses kicked, and a George McFly punch is about as likely to knock someone out as throwing a hand-full of daisies at them.
Believability: 5/10
#6. Dark Heart (Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation)
Why He's on the List: Dark Heart is a magical shape-shifter, able to take the forms of a serpent, crocodile, human, and a kick-ass giant red tornado. He also has the power to grant wishes and has no understanding of the concept of love. You'd think someone with those powers would have little trouble mowing through a group of cuddly teddy bears right? Right?
The Hero: The Care Bears -- All right, just to be clear, the Care Bears lone offensive power is shooting beams of loving, sparkly light from their cute little tummies...how...dangerous?
Pants Shitting Factor: 3/10 -- Ok, 3/10 is barely even a squirt in the britches, but considering the Care Bears are a -25/10 I think Dark Heart is more than a match.
The Showdown- After Dark Hearts uses magic to imprison a bunch of Care Bears in crystals our heroes go to to his lair to kick some ass. Their tummy beams prove to be as innefective as you would imagine and it takes a little girl named Christie shooting a marble at the crystals to free the trapped bears. During the fight Dark Heart strikes Christie with a bolt of lightening, killing her. Afterwords he is sad and remorseful for his actions, begging the Care Bears to help him bring her back to life. By chanting "We Care" and letting the love flow they are able to re-animate Christies lifeless corpse, Dark Heart becomes a real boy and promises to be good from now on.
Shit Gets Real: In real life Dark Heart easily succeeds in his insane plot to trap Care Bears in crystals, what he does with these crystalized Care Bears is anyones guess, but considering his wicked nature, I suspect his ultimate plan involves forcing them to watch him take a poop while he laughs about it.
Believeability: 4.5/10
#5. DarthMaul (The Phantom Menace)
Why He's on the List: Darth Maul should have been the signature villain in the Star Wars prequel trilogy, but in one of his many misteps, director George Lucas decided to kill him in Episode One. Why? Who the fuck knows. Here's what I do know: awesome face tattoo: check. Horns: check. Double-bladed red lightsaber: check. I know this one has been beaten to death but come on! Dudes a fucking badass!
The Hero: Obi Wan Kenobi -- Ok, so Obi Wan is kinda cool, but in Episode One he is only a Padawan. This begs the question that if he could defeat Darth Maul as a Padawan then why the hell did he need to wait 20 years for Luke Skywalker to grow up and defeat Darth Vader? Was he just a pussy or what?
Pants Shitting Factor: 9/10 -- Qui Gon and Obi Wan do an admirable job of looking brave, but trust me, theres a reason Jedi robes only come in the standard "shit brown" color.
The Showdown: After watching Darth Maul kill his master, Obi Wan charges in with a flurry of lightsaber strikes, but gets knocked over a ledge, barely managing to cling to a pipe. As he dangles precariously, Darth Maul stalks back and forth basically just looking mean, conveniently giving Obi Wan enough time to form a plan. Using the force, Obi Wan flings himself over Darth Maul in a showy twistflip, while also pulling Qui Gon's discarded lightsaber into his hand. He spins and cuts Darth Maul in half and watches as the pieces fall down into the abyss.
Shit Gets Real: In real life Obi Wan never makes it up from that ledge. I mean really, after showing off his ability to fight two Jedi at once in lighting fast lightsaber combat I seriously doubt Darth Maul would be incapable of murdering someone who's flying at him unarmed while tucking into a flip. So in the end I think Darth Maul walks away victorious, and ideally he also kidnaps annoying baby Anakin, teaches him how to be a man, and prevents him from becoming whiny adolescent Anakin; thus re-writing the entire Star Wars universe.
Believability: 6/10
#4. Gargamel (The Smurfs)
Why He's on the List: Gargamel is a human wizard with a bevy of magical powers, it seems like this alone should make him more than a match for a group of tiny blue creatures who's only skill is adding the word "smurf" to things, as in; "I can't smurfing believe these mothersmurfs manage to elude Gargamel and his smurfing cat every smurfing episode."
The Hero: The Smurfs -- Tiny blue fucks...yeah that about sums it up.
Pants Shitting Factor: 8/10 -- For you and me Gargamel isn't too scary, but believe me, to a Smurf he is a giant walking apocalypse, guaranteed to soil those cute little smurf diapers that they all wear.
The Showdown: The Smurfs and Gargamel have run ins every episode, usually involving Gargamel making some dumbfuck error that allows the Smurfs to escape. The worst part is that the Smurfs main weapon is usually something harmless like a bucket of water to the face, or a banana peel on the floor. Getting defeated over and over by tools like these is more than enough to shame any self-respecting wizard.
Shit Gets Real: Well, in real life, Smurfs is no childrens show I can tell you that. In real life Gargamel makes frequent succesful raids on the Smurf village, leaving just enough survivors so they can continue to breed delicious Smurf babies. He dines every evening on hearty Smurf pie and occasionally makes a captured Smurf strip naked and dance for him by candlelight. He lives a full life and never once slips on a banana peel.
Believeability: 6/10
#3. Skeletor (He-Man and the Masters of the Universe)
Why He's on the List: Skeletor is a fucking ripped badass skeleton with a bunch of monsters at his back. Check out the cut of those arms! And pecs like Arnold! All while rockin the black underwear beneath a purple loincloth! By all rights Skeletor should be ruling us all, but thanks to some cartoon writer, we're stuck with Adam/He-Man as the master of Eternia.
The Hero: He-Man -- As a physical specimen, He-Man is certainly a match for skeletor. It's when you ignore the muscles that see what a nancy boy He-Man really is. First off, this is what he looks like as Adam, Prince of Eternia:
Just look at that outfit! Hot pink vest over a white lace shirt, dark purple underwear over light purple tights. Arms upthrust as if to say: "Look at me! Aren't I just totally faaabulous!" All that nesting under a haircut that I'd expect to see on a 7 year old girl. And observe the way his "mentor", Man-at-Arms, stands next to him, legs agape, hand resting casually on the bulge of his penis, wordlessly expressing: "Come get me, Sweet Prince. Together we can thrust out the darkness." Wowzers! I think I've stated my case, but for good measure:
However, he wasn't all gay, you see, once he hoisted his magic sword and shouted, "I have the power!!!!" He transformed into the salty, tough, totally not gay, He-Man!
Oh, hold on a god damned minute! Even salty, tough, totally-not-gay He-Man shops at Ballsacks R' Us:
I loved this show as a kid, it's only when I watch it now as an adult that I see how truly gay He-Man was. And what a stupid fucking name. He-Man. Heh.
Pants Shitting Factor: 9.5/10 -- Skeletor was a musclebound, hooded, skeleton. So yeah, basically the stuff of nightmares. Tailor made to fill undies with a mess of hot feces.
The Showdown: Like most kids cartoons from the 80's, Skeletor and He-Man have numerous clashes while the story never really goes anywhere. Basically every plot is Skeletor thinking up an insane plan, the type of plan you'd expect a walking talking skeleton to think up, and using his henchman to pull it off. Adam then gets wind of the plan, transforms into He-Man, and kicks some ass, spoiling Skeletors day in the process.
Shit Gets Real: Here's a fact they don't touch on much in the show: Eternia is filled with pussies. Wet, dripping, sloppy pussies. I mean fuck, He-Man has a giant, green tiger...and even he's a fucking coward! Now if giant, green tigers are cowardly then you can bet no one else stands a chance. In the real world Skeletor and his monster horde swarm Eternia, sending the citizens fleeing in terror. As they storm the castle they break into the Royal Quarters of Prince Adam and interupt Adam and Man-at-Arms in the act of coitus. And all of a sudden the monster hordes plan to rape and pillage just got awkward...
Believability- 6.5/10
#2. Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
Why He's on the List: Uroko Saki, aka Shredder, has got to be hands down one of the coolest looking bad guys ever. Aside from looking cool, he is also a ninja, which automatically makes him 10x cooler than a non-ninja Shredder. He also has an army of thugs, known as the "Foot Clan", who roam the streets causing mayhem and stealing shit to fund his totally rad hideout. A hideout which includes things like a half-pipe, pool tables, arcade video game cabinets, tv's, bumpin music, and free cigarrettes! Regular or menthol! Fuck yeah! Shredder is awesome! And Super Shredder!
Holy Shit! Cool! Rad!!!!!!!!!
The Hero: Splinter -- Splinter is a giant mutated rat, in other words he's the worlds worst choice for a hero.I know some of you are saying, "hold on now Doctor, we all know the Ninja Turtles were the heroes, not Splinter." Well just shut the fuck up for a second and let me explain: For me, the definitive Turtle experience is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie, and in the movie Splinter is Shredders main foe, even though the turtles are the stars. So there.
Pants Shitting Factor: 9.5/10 -- Believe me when I say this folks, if you ever see a man in a purple jumpsuit covered in knives walking towards you then you might as well just go ahead and use your asshole one last time because you're about to kiss it goodbye.
The Showdown: It's a rainy night in New York City and the Ninja Turtles have spent most of it kicking the shit out of the Foot Clan. The battle culminates on a rooftop where Shredder faces off against all four turtles. They attack him one by one and all at once, it doesn't matter what they try though because Shredder is just a beast and he handles them easily. Just when the battle seems lost, Splinter appears. He and Shredder have words and Shredder realizes that Splinter is the same little fucking rodent that scratched his face up 15 years ago. Now Shredder, being the awesome madman that he is, decides that someone scratching his face 15 years ago is grounds to attempt a full speed charge with the intention of impaling that someone with your spear. Splinter dodges the attack, and after a few moments of dangling Shredder by some nunchucks, Shredder slips and falls into the back of a garbage truck, where a truly atrocious act of murder occurs. We see Casey Jones standing next to the garbage truck as he says, "Oops", and pulls a lever down, crushing Shredder with the garbage. Casey Jones, you are a sick, dastardly, son of a bitch.
Shit Gets Real: Bad news for us turtle fans: in the real world Shredder has some new armor made out of giant turtle shells and he wears undies made out of rat hide. Without movie tricks there is no way the Turtles could have come out victorious. The good news is we'd all have free smokes and unlimited games of Ms.PacMan, which I think is pretty much how they describe heaven in the bible.
Believability: 4/10
#1. John "Johnny" Lawrence (The Karate Kid)
Why He's on the List: I know this is painfully obvious, but I'll say it anyway: Johnny is the fucking best villain in a movie ever. Seriously, dude is the shit. Looking back, I can't believe anyone ever rooted for Daniel! I mean, here's this cool guy, doing cool guy stuff like smoking weed, banging a cheerleader, beating up nerds, riding dirt bikes, and wearing fucking sweet skeleton outfits; when all the sudden this new kid shows up and starts chasing his woman! Johnny wasn't the bad guy! He was the victim! He didn't want to bully Daniel, he didn't want to be a jerk, he did it because he had to! Look at the dance scene: not only is the "hero" Daniel dressed up as a stupid ass shower, he also pours water all over Johnny while he's in a bathroom stall rolling a joint, then our "hero" Danny runs like a scared bitch. But he isn't nearly fast enough, because Johnny is pissed about his joint and he's not gonna let Danny get away. When Johnny catches up he even tells Danny straight: "You couldn't leave well enough alone, huh you little twerp. No, you had to push it, well now you're gonna pay!" Pow! Gut punch! Tell me that isn't heroic! Only a true hero would gut punch someone while wearing this:
And for your viewing pleasure:
The Hero: Daniel Larusso -- Danny is just a huge pussy. Not at all a worthy opponent of the great John Lawrence. Notice how he acts whenever he's getting his ass kicked (which is frequently), he does this thing where he moans like a whore who's begging for a few more inches of hard cock. Thats no way for a hero to behave.
Pants Shitting Factor: 10/10 -- If your name is Daniel Larusso then you shit your pants if anyone even says the name "Johnny." It's an instant and uncontrollable reaction, bred through years of evolution between predator and prey. You see, our hero realized early in the movie that a punch to the lip only made Johnny laugh, so the only thing to do is shit your pants and hope the smell repels him, much like the noble skunk.
The Showdown: It's the finals of the All-Valley Karate Tournament and to everyones surprise Daniel Larusso has persevered through a tough field of karate masters to face off against Johnny. The fight goes back and forth until they are tied at match point. Daniel assumes the crane position and Johnny, perhaps thinking Daniel has lost his mind, wanders casually into kicking range so Daniel can deliver the knock out blow.
This is a bunch of bullshit.
Shit Gets Real: Lets go ahead and take a huuuuge leap of faith here and assume that somehow in real life Daniel makes it the finals. Not only does Johnny knock Danny out in front of his mom and girlfriend, he then takes Danny's mom and girlfriend back to his place and fucks 'em real good. Back at school he torments Danny on a daily basis, Danny tries the crane technique several times and gets badly beaten in return. Johnny continues to screw Danny's mom, often times he stays the night and Danny wakes up in the morning to the sight of his mom cooking bacon in her underwear while Johnny sits on the couch naked, rolling a joint, massive penis flopping to the side. Danny's already tiny penis will shrivel up even more at the sight, and his testicles will recess to a spot deep within his stomach. Thats real life.
Believability: 0/10
So there you have it, 7 villains who didn't deserve to lose. Think you have a great villain that overshadows the hero? Drop me a line in the comments section and tell me your thoughts, and as always, remember to follow, share, and spread the love!
Is there anything more quintessentially 80's than a musical montage? A few modern movies still use this technique, but nothing really matches the sheer awesomeness of the original 80's style. You see, back in the 80's almost every movie felt like they needed a musical montage. I'm pretty sure you could have made a movie about molesting chickens and Hollywood would have found a way to make a montage of it set to Twisted Sisters "We're Not Gonna Take It". I'll be rating these clips using my patented montage ratings system, known as SACKS: Song, Action, 80's Cheesiness, Karate, and Shirtless dudes. A given montage has the ability to make or break a movie. With that in mind, here are 5 clips that have matched, or in some cases exceeded the popularity of the movie they came from. And for the record I do not own any of the music or video clips I'm using here.
The Movie: Rocky IV (1985) The Song: Hearts on Fire by John Cafferty
Song Rating: 8.3/10--This song is so bad that it's badass. It's just daring you to run your mouth so it can ram a fist down your throat. Action: 8/10--Stallone is a beast! Just look at that training regiment! Only a madman or a retard would train for a fight using these techniques, amazingly Rocky Balboa was both! 80's Cheese: 8.5/10--I'm sure the director intended this to be a serious, intense scene...yeah he failed. I can't watch this without laughing! Stallone outruns a car, lifts a cart full of people, and grows an awesome beard! It's so over the top, and not in an "Over the Top Stallone Arm Wrestling" type of way. More like an "anyone attempting to duplicate this training for a fight will get their ass kicked" type of way. Karate: 3/10--I gave this a 3 because boxing is kind of like karate...well no not really, but this is my blog and I say 3. Shirtless Dudes: 9/10--After viewing this a couple times I'm convinced that this scene was written just to show off how ripped Stallone was. I'm also mildly concerned about the growing bulge in my pants... Final Verdict: 8.5/10--Ultimately the lack of true karate cost this clip a full point. It desperately wanted to be the greatest montage ever but falls short of the mark.
The Movie: Footloose (1984) The Song: Footloose by Kenny Loggins
Song Rating: 8/10--This song was pretty big in the 80's, and judging by all the youtube wedding videos, people are still cutting loose! Footloose!! Even today. Action: 6.5/10--There is plenty of action in this scene, unfortunately it's of the "horrible 80's dancing" variety, and not the "split-kick to the face" variety. 80's Cheese: 10/10--Oh man this clip is ridiculous! I can't help but cringe when I watch it. This clip is so unintentionally hilarious that I can't even think of any good jokes for it! The clip itself is the best joke anyone has ever written! Karate: 2/10--You may be asking yourself why this clip gets any karate points at all, since there is a depressing lack of karate in the whole scene. Well let me explain: this clip gets 2 points for "karate by association", as those of us who know Footloose recognize that immediately before this scene Kevin Bacon kicks ass using some sweet 80's karate moves! Shirtless Dudes: 0/10--Sadly no. Fully-shirted dudes only means a 0/10 in this category.
Final Verdict: 7.5/10--Footloose was looking pretty solid after the first three categories, unfortunately a lack of karate and shirtless dudes keeps it from reaching elite status.
The Movie: Bloodsport (1988) The Song: Fight to Survive by Stan Bush
Song Rating: 10/10--Kumite!Kumite!Kumite! Fuck yeah! This song rocks! Action: 10/10--This clip is classic 80's action! Dudes getting kicked in the face, a little monkey dude scampering around, and Bolo Yeung, a.k.a. the big Chinese guy who always plays a blood thirsty villain make this the pinnacle of action montages! 80's Cheese: 7.5/10--This movie gets a 7.5 for it's liberal usage of something I call "80's karate". For those of you who are wondering, 80's karate is a highly technical fighting school that is designed solely on the premise that if you try it on the school bully he's going to kick your ass twice as hard as he originally intended to. (Source: experience) Karate: 10/10--Fuck yeah! Karate everywhere! Remove the karate from this clip and you're left with absolutely nothing! This clip is 100% karate! Shirtless Dudes: 9.5/10--A couple guys wearing shirts ruin this clips chance for a 10, although I almost awarded it anyway based only on Bolo Yeung's giant, bouncing pectorals.
Final Verdict: 9.8/10--This is a near perfect example of an 80's montage. If they had somehow found a way to slip in some dancing or a couple high-fives this clip would have locked up a 10.
The Movie: Top Gun (1986) The Song: Playing With Them Boys by Kenny Loggins
(Note: Apparently an unedited version of this scene is impossible to find on youtube, so make do with this shittier, unoriginal version.)
Song Rating: 7.5/10--What kind of sick bastard puts a song called "Playing With Them Boys" in a clip featuring sweaty, shirtless men playing volleyball? It's a well known fact that "Playing With Them Boys" is the #1 song on child molesters ipods. Aside from that, I think of this song whenever I see a volleyball, or a net, or a patch of sand...so I guess it did it's job. Action: 8.2/10--Oh yeah! This scene has all kinds of action! Beach volleyball action! High-fiving action! Watch checking action! Ok, maybe I should rethink this... 80's Cheese: 9/10--I was only 4 years old when this movie came out, but I suspect that volleyball sales went through the roof after it's release. I say this because I'm sure that any adult in the 80's thought this scene was Fucking Rad Dude! Check out those high-fives! Whoa! Reverse High-Five!!! Fuck Yeah!!!!!!!! Karate: 0/10--The director was just being lazy here. If he hadn't wasted so much time high-fiving I'm sure he could have fit in a spin kick or two. Shirtless Dudes: 9.7/10--Oh you god-damned better believe it! This scene is widely regarded as the most homo-erotic scene in mainstream cinema, and the boner in my pants agrees! Fucking Goose and his low self-esteem keep this from being a 10. Come on Anthony Edwards! Did you not see this scene in the script? Put the fucking Doritos down and hit the gym so you can be ready for the big volleyball scene!
Final Verdict: 9.0/10--This movie scored nicely across the board, with the exception of karate. Oh you poor 80's directors! When will you learn to include karate no matter what? I don't care if your movie is about a young chimpanzee coming to terms with his budding homosexuality, put some god damned karate in that bitch!
The Movie: The Karate Kid (1984) The Song: You're the Best by Joe Esposito
Song Rating: 10/10--This song is so badass! I play it every time I make love to my wife, and she doesn't dare complain. You know why? CRANE TECHNIQUE MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!! Action: 9.2/10--This clip packs as much action as you could expect from a movie starring Ralph Machio, which obviously is a shit ton! 80's Cheese: 9/10--The haircuts, the music, a karate tournament...it doesn't get any more 80's than this. Karate: 10/10--And not just any karate, 80's karate! Lots of 80's karate! Holy shit! This movie resulted in more nerds getting their asses kicked than the invention of pocket protectors! If I had a dime for every nerd who attempted the crane technique in a real fight and woke up on the pavement I'd have enough money to take karate lessons from Pat Morita himself...and he's dead! Shirtless Dudes: 1/10--A couple of the robes are opened ever so slightly to give you a peek at the man-flesh beneath, that's good enough for a 1 in my book.
Final Verdict: 10/10--Despite the directors oversight in not including any shirtless dudes, this clip still gets a 10/10 and goes down as the greatest 80's music montage ever made! You're all right LaRusso!
Last Word: It was tough for me to narrow this list down to just five clips. I know I left a lot of good stuff out there. Shit, the Rocky series alone could have provided 6-7 clips. Footloose had two contenders, and Jean Claude Van Damme could have provided me with enough montages to write half a dozen articles. Alas, I only have so much time, and besides, I have to save some material for future writing! If you feel I had an omission that was particularly egregious then let me know in the comments section, maybe your idea will make it into a later article! Follow, share, and spread the love!
Those of us who grew up in the 80's should feel blessed that we got to enjoy so many great action stars in their prime. We had Stallone and Norris. Van Damme and Bronson. Willis and Russel. We had action stars who make guys like Will Smith shit in their pants, and last I heard Vin Diesel still has penile inferiority complex after seeing Arnold's flaccid cock in The Terminator. And speaking of man/gods, Arnold Schwarzenegger has proven himself to be head and rippling shoulders above every action star to ever live. He stands tall atop an Olympus made entirely of bullet-riddled corpses to claim his spot as the greatest killing machine that God has ever dared unleash on the world. I could spend the rest of my life writing down the thousands of ways that Arnold is a badass, but in the interest of time, I have narrowed it down to 5. My rating system is a bit unorthodox, but I promise you it is 100% accurate.
#1. He's a Robot
The Facts: A cybernetic organism is sent back through time to rock our faces with gratuitously violent movies based on the single concept that a He-Man shaped lump of flesh can murder as many faceless extras as a given director chooses to sacrifice to him. In the Earth of the future, Arnold's robotic nature will be known as historical fact, but by then it will be too late, because guess what? The robots won! And we'll all be too busy getting turned into human paste for the sustenance of our robot overlords to worry about history.
You may think this is a great make-up job, but you're wrong. This is what Arnold looks like when you take the make-up off!
My Take: Arnold is the only actor on the planet who could convince us that he was "a cybernetic organism, living tissue over metal endoskeleton". I mean, he said that shit and we believed him! In fact, I'm almost positive that line was taken directly from the "Authorized Biography of Arnold Schwarzenegger", yeah, you can find it under the heading: "Arnold's First Words".
Awesomeness Rating: 9 Flopping Terminator Penises
#2. One Liners
The Facts: Arnold's career is filled with fantastic one liners. In general these lines are not amusing by themselves, but when taken in context they provide ample hilarity. Consider this: after shooting his wife in Total Recall, he says with a completely straight face, "Consider that a divorce". Classic! Or how about him saying "Stick around" after he uses his giant knife to pin a guy to a log in the movie Predator. Talk about adding insult to injury! I mean, here's this guy with a bowie knife sticking out of his gut, very likely contemplating his last moments on Earth, and he's got a giant Austrian making fun of his predicament! What an asshole!
My Take: Arnold has proven himself to be the king of the one liner, he's actually honed the skill into a science. In fact, there is even a formula for it: Arnold kills you + Arnold cleverly makes fun of you while you die = Awesome!!! I could list one liners all day but you're better off just searching the internet for them yourself. But as a consolation I will leave you with one more gem:
"Let off some steam Bennet!"
Awesomeness Rating: 9.5 Humiliated Dead Guys
#3. Biceps
The Facts: In his prime Arnold's arms measured 22-23 inches "fully pumped". Arnold had arms that made gorillas weep with envy. I have it on good authority that he impregnated over three-dozen women simply by rubbing his bicep on their vagina's. His arms were so big he used to cut the sleeves off of sleeveless jackets. You may be asking yourself: are these really facts? To that I say yes, as far as you know these are all documented facts. Observe this picture and then try and tell me I'm wrong:
My Take: The fact that Arnold's arms were around 23 inches definitely makes me question Hulk Hogan's constant boasting about his "24 inch Pythons brother!" No way did Hogan have bigger arms than Arnold. And if he actually did, then I'm just going to go ahead and call history a liar.
Awesomeness Rating: 9.0 Crying Lou Ferrigno's
#4. He Was The Real American Hero
The Facts: Every kid growing up in 1980's America knew who Arnold was and worshipped him. For many of us he was the real life Superman. He served on the Presidential Fitness Board for Bush Sr, as well as marrying and banging Maria Schriver, who was like the American equivalent of royalty. He pretty much embodied the American Dream, being a foreigner coming to this distant land and not only succeeding, but climbing to the very top of his profession. When Arnold announced he was retiring from bodybuilding to become an actor many critics laughed, assuming it was a joke of some kind. Well let me tell you right now: Arnold was NOT fucking joking.
My Take: Who would have guessed that the Austrian-born son of Nazi sympathisers would grow up to be the embodiment of all things American. He was a walking caricature of America squeezed into a pumped up Nazi experiment gone wrong. You see, when Adolph Hitler injected Arnold's mother with a lethal dose of radioactive ape semen, he had no idea that his unholy creation would grow up to be such an awesome fucking symbol of America, and therein lay Hitlers folly. But being Americans, I must point out that as much as we enjoy our heroes rise to the top, we derive even more satisfaction from their inevitable downfall.... Segue!
Bodybuilding pose or Zig Heil???
Awesomeness Rating: 8.7 Nazi Ape Hybrids
#5. Rapid Decline
The Facts: Starting in the late 90’s Arnold’s box office take started to sag, which happened to coincide perfectly with the sagging of his man-tits. These factors prompted him to retire from acting and move into the realm of politics. In 2003 he ran for governor of California and won, which would seem like a good thing except that many Californians didn't agree with his politics, and some downright hated him. There was also the whole "Gropegate" scandal, but Arnold's always been a groper so I won't hold that against him. After he left office he completed his downfall when the story came out that he had been banging his fat, hairy, Hispanic maid and had even fathered a secret half-Arnold love child with her. Cue the media frenzy, shame, and inevitable divorce.
My Take: In the future they must not have perfected skin technology quite yet, as seen in this picture of Arnold's living tissue noticeably sagging around his metal endoskeleton:
So that's what happens when you fill a fleshy sack with muscles and then empty it out!
As for knocking up the maid and keeping it a secret, wouldn’t you keep this a secret?
Presenting exhibit Fugly your honor...
You can’t blame the guy too much for screwing the maid though. I mean, I’m sure it went down like this: she was there, Maria wasn’t, Arnold was horny and he did what Arnold always does when he’s horny: he stuck his dick in something warm and soft. The one thing I wonder though is, during sex, was it the maid who was sucking Arnolds titties, or the other way around?
Awesomeness Rating: 9.3 Drooping Man-Breasts
Conclusion: In my opinion, Arnold will go down as one of the greatest big-screen persona's in the history of cinema. He has recently expressed an interest in returning to acting, which is good for him and good for us! He better start working since I bet those alimony payments will start coming out of his bank account anytime now, if they aren’t already. I hope that he has a second life in movies much like the recent resurgence of his main 80’s rival Sly Stallone. If he does I’ll be there to watch. I'll leave you with one more pic of the great Arnold Schwarzenegger enjoying the spoils of victory...
